An open letter to my younger self
(11/19/21)
Just a little over a year ago, my mental health was severely lacking. My patience was thin, and my emotions ran high. My thoughts were scattered, and my feelings were hurt. This manifested into a behavior like that of a roller coaster - up and down, and unsure of what lies around the next turn. While loved ones walked on eggshells to prevent a breakdown, my inner voice was louder than ever before, screaming falsehoods of despair and loneliness.
This behavior had developed through experiences in life that were not properly addressed. I was at a breaking point. I was scared and did not know what to do, so I stepped out of my internalized comfort zone and asked for help. A few months and quite a few therapy sessions later, I realized my behaviors were the same ones my childhood self would exhibit in traumatic situations. After realizing this, I found myself in a much healthier position - one where I could stop suffering and start healing. One exercise was particularly helpful: Have a pleasant, healthy conversation with your younger self - let them hear the things you had always wanted to hear in those times of hurt. The thought of talking to myself seemed tacky and impersonal, so, to help better visualize things, I placed an empty chair next to the chair I was in, imagined a younger version of myself in it, let go of my ego, and began to talk. I have compiled the most helpful statements into a letter to my younger self. Enjoy and thanks for reading.
Noah with Jethro Bodine ~ 2010
To my younger self,
I know it has been some time since I have connected with you, and I am sorry about that, but at this time in my life, I find myself in a position where I cannot move forward until I make peace with my past.. which is where you come in, young Noah.
When I think of you, I remember someone who could exhibit courage on the outside, but always wondering, ‘why me?’ On the inside. I cannot say I blame you for asking yourself this. Just think, from age three to nine you were in and out of body casts, which required numerous trips to the operating room. At age nine you began to have more invasive operations on your spine. Over the course of the next six years of your life, you found yourself in and out of the operating room every five to six months, to lengthen the rods that were placed to simultaneously help me grow while keeping your scoliosis at bay. And, before it can stop, you must first have “the big one” - an eleven hour operation designed to fuse the spine, resulting in the stunting of your growth, as well as never being able to slouch, ever again.
X-ray images of my spine, 2015
I know the pain is immense and the tunnel seems never ending, but I promise you life won’t always be like this. There will be a time when you might not have a medical procedure done for years! All of it is scary and painful, I understand, but please find a place of understanding in all of this. Nobody wants to have you taken away to a room to have pain inflicted on you - no. That is not what is happening at all. Realize that this is to help you live a long and fulfilling life. It is excruciating and tough, but it is temporary. And in those feelings of despair, look at that scar that goes from your neck to your butt, not with sadness, but with strength. Let that be your trophy of courage. You have surely earned it.
And while we’re on the topic of physicality, let us address the arms thing. Do not waste your time looking for answers as to why you were born without them. I know you have many speculations, but I want you to disregard those, and find peace not knowing why you were born that way. It is much easier said than done, I know, but that “closure” you think you will need to hear in order to move forward will never come. Be okay with being who and what you are, and can become. I am not telling you that there are no times when it does not completely suck, because that is a lie. There are many moments of stares, ridicule and hate waiting for you, but understand that this isn’t a chance for you to return the disrespect and hate. Oh, no - this is the perfect time for you to exhibit self-control, patience, and most importantly, courage. That same courage that will get you through the surgeries will get you through times like this as well. Do this, and instead of asking ‘why me?’ You will be asking ‘why not me?’
And, finally, younger Noah, I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with speaking up against actions and behaviors that are wrong. It is unfortunate you have had to see some of the things you’ve seen and will see, but you are not helping anything by internalizing all of it. I know change is something you fear, and speaking up will probably switch things up a bit, but try something new and embrace that change. If you do not, nothing will change, behaviors will stay the same, anger will still prevail, and good times will seem few and far between. Without your change, you will always ask yourself ‘why me?’
I extend this letter to you from the present, because I now find myself as an adult, who, instead of surviving, has chosen to start living. I have come to a place of understanding that I can only control myself. This means I can control my behaviors, I can speak up with no fear, I allow myself to love and receive love, and it feels grand! Keep going, younger Noah. I believe in you.
From the present,
Noah Matthew Howard
Noah with family and friends, PA Renaissance Fair, October 2021
Thank you for taking your time to read something so personal. Though it can be a bit draining, perhaps you, too, can take a moment to apply this exercise to your life. Tell yourself the things you think you needed to hear in times when all things seemed stacked against you. See what it can do for you! Be well, all! 👣
